Home Truth.

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Sunrise at Caldecott, Rutland taken by my Dad.

Back in April 2013, Becky B Blog appeared on the Internet.

The reason why I started the blog was so I could use it as an escape from every day life. I wanted to write about things I love as well as keeping it as a log of my journey to improve my life in terms of self esteem and confidence.
Soon people found it and commented on what they loved. Friends found the blog and would come up to me at work saying they loved what I wrote.
I was given an opportunity of writing on a website about weddings and I met some amazing people on twitter, unaware that the blogging community was there all this time.

After a while, I found blogging hard.
I felt forced to write something, which is always the worse feeling, to keep those who read, happy, as well as making sure I still had my foot in the blogging door.
Hands up, I honestly feel that my increase in work hours and the fact I had a dissertation to write did not help one bit.
I became stressed, I looked and felt awful and I had no idea what to write.
I would have panics, that I had no idea how to control or stop before they got worse and I would find myself crying at night. And yes, thoughts of a horrible nature would go through my head.

Last year, was just the worst year for not just myself but for Becky B Blog.

The one thing I was good at was hiding behind a massive curtain.

In December, after starting a new job and getting back into a slight routine of blogging and getting my weekends off, I had a breakdown.
I finally confided that I had panic attacks and get nervous at the prospect of meeting people.

I am scared.
I am scared that I am going to stay on my own forever.
And that I will never change.

People say I can prevent this by meeting people, but I don't think they understood that that was what was stopping me.

Since then, I've been out twice, the first was to meet someone I haven't seen in years!
I was nervous and slightly scared but a good friend of mine, from blogging, was on the other end of my panicky texts, calming me down. And she was right, there was nothing to be scared of.

After last year, I have so much to catch up on to help improve my self esteem. I am slightly happier and calm, but sometimes I will have relapses.

I would be lying to say that I have not found this easy to write this post, but I feel a whole lot better. A slight weight has been lifted and actually feel.. happier.

I know I'm not the only one to feel this way but I just feel that people should know the real me.
I don't want to hide anymore, I want to improve.

For those that have been there since the beginning, I'm sorry and I thank, you.

This is my journey to a better me.

See you around,

Becky x

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